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Tag: Specific Sin

Gaslighting

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse designed to gain control over the victim. While this article assumes a female victim there is also male victims, gaslighting can be perpetrated by women against men too. Gaslighting has three main components: 1) Convincing the victim that the abuse she suffers is her fault, 2) Convincing the victim that she did not experience what she thinks she did, and 3) Separating the victim from people who support her. The tone of the victimizer can alternate between concerned and kind, and angry and abusive. The victim slowly learns to mistrust her own judgment, perception, and even sanity until she relies on the abuser to define reality for her.

The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight staring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, which was based on a 1938 play, Gas Light. In the story, a woman named Paula moves with her new husband to her family home after the murder of her aunt, a rich opera singer. Paula begins to witness strange things like a picture disappearing, a brooch gone missing, and the titular gas lights dimming. Her husband convinces her that the incidents are either caused by her or never happened. He uses Paula’s supposed mental issues to justify his efforts to further sequester her in the house. In the end, we learn he had murdered Paula’s aunt and developed an elaborate plan to discredit Paula to her own mind so he could freely search the house for her aunt’s jewels.

The primary aim of the abuser who uses gaslighting is to manipulate his victim into believing him more than her own mind. The victim begins to doubt the reality of situations she clearly witnessed and to disbelieve her perception of the abuser’s behavior. The abuser alternates his nefarious behavior with concern and encouragement, leading his victim to rely on him for stability and support, and isolating her from those who have a true interest in her well-being.

Another example of gaslighting in popular fiction is Wormtongue’s “council” for Théoden, king of Rohan, in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. By the time help arrives, in the form of Gandalf the wizard, King Théoden so doubts his own mind that he believes everything Wormtongue tells him. In the movie version, Wormtongue also tries to gaslight Eowyn, telling her she is alone, implying that neither her uncle Théoden nor her brother can save her. She resists by turning away and declaring, “Your words are poison!”

Not all gaslighters are aware of what they are doing. Some have so deceived themselves they actually believe the lies they’re telling. Others are so afraid of the truth that they do anything they can to hide it. Kids often have no problem gaslighting their parents—falsely claiming mom never told them to do the dishes, for example—in order to avoid a punishment. Other gaslighters know exactly what they’re doing. “Negging” is a manipulative flirting technique wherein the man passive-aggressively insults the woman until her confidence drops and she feels the need to make him have a more positive view of her—often by doing what he wants. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting is sin and comes from a place of selfishness and a desire to control.

In fact, gaslighting was utilized in the first temptation mentioned in the Bible. Satan first prompts Eve to question what she heard God say about the tree of knowledge, and then he asserts that her account is wrong. That is gaslighting, as he caused Eve to doubt the reality of what she knew to be true (Genesis 3:1–3).

Gaslighting is also common in cults and abusive “churches,” as well as politics. It can be seen in abusers who convince children they deserve or desire their abuse. In preachers who tell questioning parishioners that their request for clarification on spiritual matters is sinful mistrust of God and disrespect of the pastor. Or in parishioners who criticize and then vaguely praise their pastor in an attempt to control him. In the political arena, when a leader or even a country flatly denies doing or saying what they publicly did or said, others may find it extremely difficult to counter the lie, especially if the media provides cover, or to address the issue in a meaningful way.

For the Gaslighter – Gaslighting can come from a place of great fear or great narcissism. It may be learned or instinctive. It is difficult for a gaslighter to admit he or she has a problem because the gaslighter believes that arranging the world in the “proper” way is a legitimate and reasonable goal. Anyone who works against that goal is obviously wrong and needs to be set straight. The Bible says differently:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3–4).

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” (Romans 12:3).

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).

If you realize—or you’re told—that you are manipulative and controlling, please seek counseling. It’s likely there is a deep-seated wound that only Jesus can heal. And He is willing!

For the Abused – God made us to be interdependent on others in the church, but He did not make us to abandon all reason and rely solely on another’s judgment. God wants us to live in the truth.

“Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long” (Psalm 25:5).

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7).

If you suspect you are being gaslighted, please seek counseling. Do not isolate yourself from godly friends. And, if need be, keep a journal so you can remind yourself of the facts. If the gaslighter is a partner in a dating relationship, seriously consider ending that relationship. If you feel gaslighted in the church and discouraged from finding answers to your spiritual questions, come to GotQuestions.org!

Queerplatonic relationships

What does the Bible say about queerplatonic relationships?

In the last decade, the LGBTQ community has increasingly recognized and supported individuals who identify as asexual, defined as “a sexual orientation in which a person has little or no sexual attraction to others.” As evidence of this, the LGBTQ community updated their initials to LGBTQIA+, where the A represents asexuality. The community has also extended its support to queerplatonic relationships, a type of non-romantic partnership that some asexual people practice as an alternative to traditional marriage. The growing awareness of asexuality in the LGBTQ community and in broader society has also sparked interest in the Bible’s perspective on queerplatonic relationships.

According to the common definition, queerplatonic relationships consist of two or more asexual people of any gender whose emotional connection extends beyond traditional friendship. Although these partnerships are called “queer,” they sometimes include heterosexuals. Similarly, some involve sexual activity even though they are called “platonic.” The emphasis on personal autonomy within queerplatonic relationships means the term’s exact meaning can vary.

Though a queerplatonic relationship may seem unusual to outside observers, what unites people who are in such relationships isn’t necessarily how they define or practice their partnership. Instead, their shared characteristic lies in defying conventional views of identity, challenging societal labeling, and rejecting the traditional framework of relationships, especially marriage as the Bible defines it.

Queerplatonic relationships often exclude sexual activity; however, most involve physical affection, such as handholding and other forms of non-sexual touching. Participants in these relationships are typically seeking emotional companionship and intimacy. They may reject traditional romantic relationships, but they don’t want to be alone, either.

While the Bible doesn’t specifically mention queerplatonic relationships, what it teaches about marriage and homosexuality make it clear that such partnerships are sinful. Marriage serves a holy purpose in God’s plan for individuals, families, and society—a purpose that queerplatonic relationships distort. God created marriage to consist of one biological male and one biological female (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4–6), with the union of a man and woman forming the most important intimate relationship between adults. Yet, when sin entered the world, it not only undermined the relationship between husbands and wives, but it also led to illicit perversions of marriage and its blessings.

Queerplatonic relationships that include sexual activity violate God’s moral standards. First, the Bible is clear in its condemnation of homosexuality (Genesis 19:1–13; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26–27; 1 Corinthians 6:9; 1 Timothy 1:10), making queerplatonic relationships that include sex between people of the same biological gender sinful. Second, queerplatonic relationships that involve sexual activity between opposite-sex partners, whether monogamous or polygamous, also violate God’s righteous standards because the sex takes place outside of marriage.

Additionally, celibate or non-sexual queerplatonic relationships are sinful even if they don’t include sexual activity. While being tempted to illicit behavior is not sinful (e.g., Luke 4:1–13), giving in to temptation can involve more than just actions. For instance, the tenth commandment forbids coveting (Exodus 20:17; cf. James 4:2), a prohibition that focuses on internal desire rather than the external behaviors it might prompt, such as adultery (the seventh commandment) or theft (the eighth commandment). The Bible also condemns several other inward conditions regardless of whether they lead to actions: bitterness (Deuteronomy 29:18; Hebrews 12:15), scheming (Genesis 37:18; Proverbs 24:9), and hatred (1 John 3:15) are examples. Jesus’ teachings on lust further affirm that sin can occur even without engaging in a physical behavior (Matthew 5:28).

Those who participate in non-sexual queerplatonic relationships are guilty of having sinful intentions and desires that defy God’s moral standards (e.g., Psalm 139:20; James 1:14–15). Echoing this concept, Paul teaches that a “mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,” affirming that a person’s internal state can be sinful, and not just his or her behaviors and actions (Romans 8:7). Furthermore, such relationships also fall short of God’s moral standards for singleness, which include increased service to Him and contentment with Him (1 Corinthians 7:7–40).

Christians have had to carefully navigate the intersection of biblical teachings and LGBTQ proclamations since the queer community’s rise to prominence in the 1980s and 1990s. Now the church must offer a biblical response to queerplatonic relationships. While God instructs Christians to love all people, that doesn’t mean approving of relationships, behaviors, or desires that He has unequivocally forbidden. Taking a stand against sin while loving those who are enslaved to it calls for prayer and wisdom and involves trusting that God continues to graciously rescue people from unholy ways of life through His Son, Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 6:11).